Thursday, 18 February 2010

Thinking Thursday: The Disciple

Here is a poem by Rudyard Kipling. It condemns the followers of religion for distorting what their leader originally meant. We should all examine ourselves carefully in the light of his comments.

The Disciple

He that hath a Gospel
To loose upon Mankind,
Though he serve it utterly –
Body, soul and mind –
Though he go to Calvary
Daily for its gain –
It is His Disciple
Shall make his labour vain.

He that hath a Gospel
For all earth to own –
Though he etch it on the steel,
Or carve it on the stone –
Not to be misdoubted
Through the after-days –
It is His Disciple
Shall read it many ways.

It is His Disciple
(Ere Those Bones are dust)
Who shall change the Charter,
Who shall split the Trust –
Amplify distinctions,
Rationalise the claim;
Preaching that the Master
Would have done the same.

It is His Disciple
Who shall tell us how
Much the Master would have scrapped
Had he lived till now –
What he would have modified
Of what he said before.
It is His Disciple
Shall do this and more…

He that hath a Gospel
Whereby Heaven is won
(Carpenter, or Cameleer,
Or Maya's dreaming son),
Many swords shall pierce Him,
Mingling blood with gall;
But His Own Disciple
Shall wound Him worst of all!

Rudyard Kipling

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Thinking Thursday: Happy Thoughts

Thinking Thursday is supposed to be about serious things, but now and again we need to lighten up. So, for today, here are some real groaner jokes to cheer you up. Share them around and then you'll spread the fun!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Just a final note: if you really liked these jokes I suggest you get professional help immediately.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Thinking Thursday: Outlook

I am reproducing below a snippet from the March issue of Writing Magazine. It reports on people's outlook for 2010. Some are advice, some are pessimistic, some optimistic. You may find one that appeals to you, but they all bear thinking about. Maybe you have one of your own (please share with the rest of us) or would like to adopt one (optimistic I hope) as your motto for this year:

"In a writing style that makes Twitter look verbose, the BBC asked website readers to share their outlook for 2010 in three words. Weeding out all the political and religious sayings, we're left with such as these:
'C'est la vie', writes Jo, West Sussex
'We're all doomed!', Mike Smith, Leeds
'Grow more vegetables', Karl, Essex
'Ignore the Hype', Jay, Ireland
'Peace is Necessary!', Mahindhar Ghanwani, Hyderabad, Pakistan
'Reduce, reuse, recycle', Rosa Smith, Nottingham
'Money isn't everything', Jim, Keighley
'Poorer, sadder, older', Sue Hudson, London
'Bring back ethics', Ginia, Vila Real, Portugal
'Just the same', Thomas Smith, Newcastle-upon-Tyne
'Patience, trust, hope', Abdul Basit, Dubai
'Abstinence from abundance', Pj, Finland
'Invest in leisure', Josh Kalish, Hakuba, Japan
'Go for it!', Judi Evans, Paris, France
'No silver lining', Filis, Beijing, China
'Never give up', Mr John, Tokyo, Japan... not very original but, perhaps, as good a message as any."

For the record, my current motto is 'Defy gravity.' You need to listen to the song from Wicked to understand.